The North Korean Supreme Court (It’s a real thing, we looked it up) has sentenced an American tourist by the name of Otto Warmbier to 15 years of hard labor for violating the national law of that country. It’s a hard pill to swallow for most Americans, but that is the situation, despite North Korea being the equivalent of national equivalent to Scrappy-Do mixed with the dead version of Saddam Hussein (as in no plausible threat) we can’t do anything to bust this Otto gentleman out. “Firstly, let me go on record for saying that Otto was a complete moron.” His mother went on record to say this. Otto was found guilty of trying to steal a ‘propaganda banner’ and since North Korea only has the budget to create about eight of them, it’s a capital offense. “Our nation will not stand for any injustices, regardless of where the people come from. If you have a problem with that, you can put the gloves on and we can settle it in the ring with my bodyguards.” Translated statement from Kim Jong Un. More about North Korean Detainment Babbage Chootypoo feels confident about their left hook but doesn’t feel like flying to...Read More
The shitlord behind the Fappening has finally been caught and he’s pleading guilty to stealing passwords. He could serve between 18 months and 5 years, which is obviously an atrocity since he should be serving a life sentence for raping these poor celebrities with unwanted exposure! Come on. These celebrities just wanted to take a copious amount of nude photos of themselves and upload them to a cloud without any type of worry that one day they may go public. Sure, they basically gave him their passwords, but they thought he was ‘Googull’ or ‘Aplpe’. How were they supposed to know that these emails were actually from some guy utilizing leet hacking abilities to take advantage of these brave, intelligent women? This guy should rot in prison for giving a bunch of lonely, autistic teens something to enjoy before their miserable lives end. Seriously, gross, stop being so socially awkward and just be attractive to women you fuckin’ assholes. Anyone that fapped to these pics need to be hanged, unless their black, because that would be racist. More about Fappenacker Toby Onatubee watches far too much porn for his own...Read More
Early yesterday morning, Marco Rubio received a package from the future president of the United States, Donald Trump. The package itself, contained Rubio’s Ass, it was being handed to him by the glorious Trump. That ladies and gentlemen is how Donald Trump secured himself as the dominant front runner for a position he is both most deserving and overly qualified for. You know what’s great about Donald Trump? When you see him and you think about his campaign, one word comes to mind: Perseverance. This is a man who has almost been attacked, who has had to be made fun of by your peers, who is overcoming all the odds and obstacles presented to him with great ease. Donald Trump had a wall built around him and he has smashed it down to little bits! That is because when you think about Donald Trump one word comes to mind: Titan. This man is a media and an economic titan and this America needs a man that we can all get behind. I know who my vote is going to be cast for. Donald Trump. Titan. Perseverance. President. More about Rubio being a pansy Charlie Countryguy will stand on Clintons coffee table in his cowboy boots and say...Read More
An Israeli scientist has helped develop a method to control uncontrollable bleeding. So this won’t clean up the blood from Israel’s hands, but it surely will keep people from bleeding too much. Perhaps it will be used to save all of those limbless Palestinian kids after their village gets carpet bombed. Sure, they’ll have to spend their rest of their lives being dragged around by an eyeless dog, but at least they were saved, right? And now Palestinian women on their periods won’t even need sanitation material, so they can stop begging those armed guards pointing barrels right into their faces for something to clean themselves off with. More about Violence in the middle east Ellen Darude is a native to the parts somewhere around...Read More
Anonymous has thrown down its digital gauntlet and sworn to dismantle Donald Trumps entire campaign to prevent him from reaching el white house. “First we are going to make fun of his toupee’, I mean come on it’s stupid. Next, remember the Donald Drumpf thing? Screw that, we’ll do it better. Hashtag Donald Poop. Done, nobody will take him seriously. Finally, photoshop him with tiny hands and a bib cause he’s a super big baby.” “…. Is…. Is that it?” “Is that it?! I’m anonymous!” “Seriously though? Is that all you have?” The member types ‘*audible sigh*’ in the chatroom. “I’m going to dismantle the backend of his campaign websites, redirect all of his donation buttons to planned parenthood and alter his twitter password so all of his tweets end in #KKK. After that we will finish digging up all of his business ventures and do a cash breakdown as to just how much he has lost in mismanaged funds. Are you happy? Is this want you wanted to hear? I was really excited about the Donald Poop thing.” We let the chat stay for a few minutes in awe, but also unsure as to how true his claims would be. “You can do all that?” “Yeah dude, I’m on your Facebook right now, posting dick pics to your moms page.” We ended the chat shortly after. More about...Read More
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